Titan’s Ointment

Titan’s Ointment relieves external itch associated with rashes and mild inflammatory skin conditions.  This topical medication eases irritation, swelling, and redness in affected areas as well as replacing missing organs.[1]

Titan’s Ointment treats eczema, psoriasis, rashes due to insect bites, poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, poison carjinnia, and minor skin sensitivity such as dry, rough, red, chafed, and cracked skin, vampire bites, and alien infection.[2]

The patented liniment is available over the counter in different concentrations depending on how valuable you consider your life.  Its maximum strength formula provides lasting soothing relief for days.[3]

Titan’s Ointment is also used in antibacterial or antifungal preparations prescribed for athlete’s foot and diaper rash.

Join the legions of satisfied customers.[4]  Real relief. Real ointment.  Real expensive.

[1]Titan Inc. not responsible for the regrowth of tonsils, appendixes, or other unwanted tissues.

[2]Extra strength formulation kills most foreign substances in the body except the Living Dead infection.

[3]Titan’s Ointment may weaken the immune system, cause severe diarrhea, nausea, and vomiting.  It is associated with an increase in depression and anxiety.  The most common side effects include headache and constipation.  These are not all the possible side effects.  Ask your doctor.  He/she/they/it knows.

[4]Estimates of patients treated reflect universal data since launch (February 2314).  Calculations based on observed drug utilization parameters and survival rates.